Edit: Thanks to Penny below I want everyone to know that this is not one of Pam’s poem. Hers has nothing to do with tits at all as her poem is all about looking after her teeth.

I’ve been known to write a few funny poems but nothing like the one I received in the email today, and by a woman too!

Oh, I wish I’d looked after me dear old knockers,
Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers,
Or let them get fondled by randy old Dockers,
Oh, I wish I’d looked after me tits.

‘Cos now I’m much older and gravity’s winning.
It’s Nature’s revenge for all that sinning,
And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming,
Oh, I wish I’d looked after me tits

‘Cos tits can be such troublesome things
When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing.
And although they go well with my Bingo wings,
I wish I’d looked after me tits.

When they’re both long enough to tie up in a bow,
When it’s not the sweet chariot that swings low,
When they’re less of a friend and more of a foe,
Then I wish I’d looked after me tits.

When I was young I got whistles and hoots,
From the men on the site to the men in the suits,
Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots,
Oh, I wish I’d looked after me tits

When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters,
Cruising around with my favourite suitors.
Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters,
I wish I’d looked after me tits..

When they follow behind and get trapped in the door,
When they’re less in the air and more near the floor,
When people see less of them rather than more,
Oh, I wish I’d looked after me tits

The poets name is Pam Ayres, as if you couldn’t work that out from the title yourself 😉
You can actually buy some of her works and I reckon it would make a pretty good gift for someone who’s got everything.

• Pam Ayres: The Works: The Classic Collection
• The Works: Selected Poems
• With These Hands: A Collection
• Surgically Enhanced
• All Pam’s poems

I’m sure you’ll find one of those products will make a great gift.